Monday, January 26, 2009

ESSAY 2: DESCRIPTIVE ROUGH DRAFT

"Shut up stupid!"
"No you shut up retard!!!"
This is the type of relationship I share with Portia Demetra Blanchette. And although it sounds as if we are siblings arguing about whom will say shut up first, Portia is my older cousin. We often jokingly converse this way on the phone after work, texting while after work, and even on a face to face level. However our affiliation is deeper than any sibling disagreement. This correlation is more like a 100 year old tree, still standing, because the roots are in the inmost part of the soil. Portia is my hero because she is a positive example, optimistic, and reliable.

If there is anything that I love about my cousin, it’s her examaple to those that are younger, and older. I cannot begin to fathom how much inspiration she has spilled out to me ever since I was born I have looked up to her like a child looks at a standing adult since I was an adolescent finding my way through life for many reasons. For starters, Portia has graduated from college with a major in business, emphasis is accounting. After graduating high school, she started attending college, but stopped. However, despite her quitting once, she went back, working to pay her way. She graduated from CWU in 2007, but hasn’t stopped there. When her job told her that she could get a better paying accounting job if she went back to school, she did just that. She has night classes at CWU on highlines' campus, while working as an accountant. This woman that I admire has all her priorities straight. Everything about her is positive, which is why I look up to her. I can trust that Portia will always speak and act positively at all times.

“It will get better Sasha.”
“It will be okay.”
“Things will work out,”

Are Portias' words that have raised my hope back up when it had gone down many times in my life. I don’t know how she does it, but with any and every situation, she somehow finds the good part in it. And when my life isn’t going so well, she tells me what to do to make it better. I can never talk to her without getting something positive out of the conversation, which makes my good days great, and my bad days better.

Portia is the most reliable, trusting person on earth to me! When she says she is going to do something, she does it. Things are always done efficiently and timely, and never half done. Whenever I have asked her for anything, she finds a way to get it done. And if she can’t, there are alternatives given to get whatever I need accomplished. I can always rely on her to tell me the truth, no matter if I like it or not. She has never let me down on her word, or her trust. And it’s not just me, but everyone she encounters is never let down.

7 comments:

  1. I think that your essay is well written and has some really good word choice. I would just watch some of your spelling errors maybe run it through the spell check because most of them were basic words so it was probably just a typing error. I really like that you used Dialog and then explained it because right off the bat I actually did think she was a sibling.

    All in all I think this is a well written essay that just needs a few minor tweaks so good job!

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  2. So your thesis is: "Portia is my hero because she is a positive example, optimistic, and reliable" ? In your second paragraph when u stated in the first sentence that your cousin is an example to those younger and older, you only supported the "younger" part not the older. I'm not so clear on the third paragraph what your supporting. Is it that she's always optimistic by giving you words that raise your hope back up? It's not clear in how u supported your thesis. I think if you add a sentence of two in of how she's optimistic by giving you positive words of advice or something related would help readers better understand how this ties into your thesis. I really like your last paragraph because it clearly ties into your thesis of how reliable she is and you support it. It's great! If you just add a little bit more to each of your other paragraph just like how you did the last one. Your well on your way!

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  3. The sentence that I think is your thesis statement is "Portia is my hero because she is a positive example, optimistic, and reliable."
    I like the organization in your essay it has a nice flow and doesn't go off topic, but i think you can incorporate those quotes some where inside your paragraphs


    "This correlation is more like a 100 year old tree, still standing, because the roots are in the inmost part of the soil."
    A very good sentence props!

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  5. I enjoy reading your essay since you written it well, good details and example about why Portia is your hero. You could check your sentences again since you do have few run-on and misspell words. Well done with organizing your essay because what your wrote about stay with topic. I'm positive your thesis is "Portia is my hero because she is a positive example, optimistic, and reliable." That is a good thesis statement.

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  7. Wow, Sasha, your cousin Portia sounds like a really special person. I really got the description of her as a wonderful rock of stability in your life. She seems so positive and strong.

    I think overall you really got the point across.

    There were a few little speed bumps here and there throughout your essay. These are just minor grammatical issues, but overall I enjoyed reading it.

    Your first paragraph seemed to contradict your love of her, as you start your essay out exchanging abusive language with someone.

    "Shut up stupid!"
    "No you shut up retard!!!"
    This is the type of relationship I share with Portia Demetra Blanchette.

    Maybe you could use some kind of contrasting language so we don't get confused right off the bat? I'll say, "Shut up stupid!" She'll reply, "No you shut up, retard!" From this, you'd never know the special relationship I have with Portia...."


    "I cannot begin to fathom how much inspiration she has spilled out to me ever since I was born I have looked up to her like a child looks at a standing adult since I was an adolescent finding my way through life for many reasons"

    This seems like several different sentences stuck together.


    "When her job told her that she could get a better paying accounting job if she went back to school, she did just that"

    You mention that "her job told her". Maybe you could say "her boss told her".

    highlines' campus --> Highline's campus

    "Are Portias' words that have". You might say, "These are Portia's words"

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