THE LAST TIME I CRIED

JANUARY......THE START OF THE NEW YEAR. ISH SUPPOSED 2 BE A GOOD MONTH, BUT NOT 4 YA GURL SASHA. BACKIN UP 2 JANUARY OF 2001 IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ERREY YEAR ABOUT THIS TYME. I HAD JUSS TURNED 11 AND WENT 2 TOTEM MIDDLE SCHOOL. IT WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT AND I HAD A BAD TUMMY ACHE AND I HAD A BAD DREAM SO I SLEPT WITH MY MOMMY. WELL EARLY THAT SATURDAY MORNING IN MY MOMS ROOM, MY AUNTIE CALLED AND TOLD HER THAT YOU HAD DIED. I WAS IN DENIAL OF THE NEWS AND ACTED LYKE IT WAS NEVA SAID. BUT MY MOMMY JUST LAYED IN HER BED SRYING, SAYING, "WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM AWAY 4RM US GOD!!!" BUT STILL I WAS IN DENIAL. A WEEK LATER AT THE FUNERAL ON THE 21ST WHEN THEY LET ERREYBODY VIEW UR BODY, MY MOMMY WOULDNT LET ME, CLAIMING THAT I WOULD HAVE MORE NIGHTMARES IF I DID. BUT ALL I WANTED 2 DO WAS SAY GOODBYE AND PROVE 2 MYSELF THAT IT REALLY WASNT YOU THAT LEFT ME HERE. IT DIDNT HIT ME UNTIL AFTER THE FUNERAL WHEN MY COUSIN GAVE ME A HUG. THATS WHEN TEARS BEGAN FALLING AND I BROKE DOWN IN HER ARMS LYKE NEVA B4. WHY DID U HAVE 2 LEAVE??? THE THINGS I WENT THRU COULD'VE BEEN A LOT LESS WORSE IF U HAD'VE STAYED A LIL WHILE LONGER. WHEN THAT MAN CONTINUOUSLY TOUCHED ME IN THE WRONG PLACES, U COULD'VE FIXED IT. I WOULDNT HAVE MADE THE BAD CHOICES I MADE ABOUT BOYS IF U HADNT OF LEFT SO SOON. IF U STAYED, UR DAUGHTER WOULDNT BE SO "OUT THERE." IN MY EYES U WERE THE CLOSET THING 2 GOD AND THE BEST MAN ON EARTH. U WERE ALSO THE BEST AND CLOSEST THING I HAD 2 A FATHER THAT I HAD. NO ONE WILL EVA SEE ME BREAK DOWN IN TEARS LYKE I DID WHEN U LEFT CUZ IN MY EYES, U LEAVIN WAS THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVA HAPPEN 2 ME. SO THERES NO NEED 2 CRY BOUT OTHER STUFF THAT HAPPENS 2 ME CUZ ISH NOT NEAR AS BAD AS U GOIN AWAY. WHEN I GOT IN THAT FIGHT, PEOPLE SAY THAT I HIT HER 4 NO GOOD REASON. BUT WHAT THEY DONT KNOW IS THAT I DIDNT JUSS HIT HER CUZ SHE CALLED ME A BITCH AND PUSHED ME. I WAS LETTING OUT SOME OF THE ANGER AND HURTFULLNESS THAT GOD LET ME FEEL BACK IN 2001. AS I LOOK AT THE PICTURE OF U ON MY WALL, I JUSS WISH I THAT I COULD SEE U 1 MORE TYME. YOU WERE A TALL, STOCKY, BUILT MAN SO WHEN U HUGGED ME, IT FELT LYKE A BIG HEAVENLY BEAR. UR HUGS MADE ME FEEL LYKE ERREYTHING WAS GONNA BE OK. IF ONLY GOD WOULD LET ME HUG U 1 MORE TYME!!! I WISH U WERE HERE 2 SEE THE THINGS I'VE DONE, LYKE HOW IM DOIN GOOD IN SCHOOL AND I FINALLY MADE A VERY GOOD CHOICE ABOUT A YOUNG MAN IN MY LYFE. I GOT A LIL TALLER, AND I CUT MY HAIR ONLY CUZ I HAD 2!!! U REMEMBER THOSE TALKS AND WALKS??? WE STILL DO THOSE, BUT ONLY IN MY DREAMS.