EMOTION CHECK

WORTHLESS
HOW COULD A REGULAR THURSDAY TURN INTO ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES?!? "WHY ME" WAS THE QUESTION THAT RAN AROUND MY HEAD TO FAST FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT!!! I FELT UNUSUALLY LYKE A PIECE OF PURE SHIT THAT IT ALMOST MADE ME SICK!!! AND AS EVERYONE KNOWS THATS NOT THE SASHA THEY KNOW SO I HAD TO PUT MYSELF IN AN EMOTION CHECK. BUT IN THIS ROLLER COASTER PROCESS I SHELTER MYSELF FROM MY PEERS AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM ANYONE THAT CAN SEE THROUGH MY HAPPY FACE OR SENSE MY PAIN. SO LETS THINK......MUSIC!!! I DOWNLOAD HELLA SONGS THAT GET MY MIND OFF THE HIDDEN ISSUES.......BUT ITS STILL THERE. BEING ALONE MIGHT WORK!!! SO I REJECT CERTAIN CALLS OR KEEP MY CONVERSATIONS TO A MINIMUM. I STAY AT HOME AND IF NEEDED, I METRO IT OR WALK INSTEAD OF A RIDE. IM ONLY SOCIALIZING WITH CERTAIN FAMILY MEMBERS WHICH ISNT MANY SADLY......AND YET ITS SITTING THERE. I EVEN STAY OUT HELLA LATE, COME HOME, SLEEP, WAKE UP, AND GET OUT QUICK ENOUGH TO AVOID BIG MOMS!!! I SUCCEED, BUT ITS STILL THERE!!! AND JUST WHEN I BEGIN TO HEAL, MOMS TELLS ME THAT I GOTTA FIND ANOTHER ROOF TO LAY UNDER!!! BUT I LAUGH AND SAY "OK" AND LEAVE. BUT BEHIND THAT LAUGH I FELT UNWANTED, LIKE I WAS ONLY USED FOR THE CHECK SHE GETS EVERY MONTH!!! FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS I HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED AND TRICKED INTO BELIEVING THAT I WAS WANTED BESIDES THE MONEY GIVEN FOR ME BEING UNDER YOUR ROOF, BUT I WAS WRONG!!! SO I END UP WITH MY BESTFRIEND SINCE 8TH GRADE. ME, HER, AND SOME OLD TJ HOMIES MEET UP WITH SOME MEXICAN ESSAYS. I REUNITE MYSELF WITH THE BLUNT....UNFORTUNATELY AND HAVE A COUPLE BOTTLES OF BACARDI TO MYSELF. ITS FUNNY HOW WHILE IM IN THIS STATE, I REALIZE SOMETHING: WHY WOULD I ALLOW THIS TO COVER UP THE REAL ME??? I CANT LET THIS GET THE BEST OF ME!!! AND AINT NOBODY, NOT EVEN MOMS IS GONNA BRING ME DOWN AS LOW AS I WAS AGAIN!!! NO LONGER WILL I LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING MANIPULATE MY EMOTIONS OR WHAT I NEED!!! SO WHEN I WENT TO SLEEP THAT CRAZY SUNDAY NIGHT, I WOKE UP, AND THE SMILE ON MY FACE WAS NO LONGER A FAKE BUT A REAL ONE!!!